VIZ ISSUE #186
WISE CELEBRATES DREAM MOVE
Dennis Wise was in celebratory mood last night after being named the new manager of Chelsea – on Football Manager 2008.
“It’s brilliant news for Dennis,” said delighted wife, Claire. “He had been up all night getting Chester City promoted to League One in his dressing gown before he applied for the Chelsea job. It’s great to see all his hard work finally paying off.” Wise faced an agonising five minute wait before the game reloaded itself and offered him the position of head coach, with a transfer budget of £100million.
Guus Hiddink was sacked six games into the season after an 8-2 home defeat to Wigan Athletic and a 12-6 cup exit at the hands of Plymouth Argyle. Wise is expected to spend £82million of his budget on Rory Delap from Stoke City, before sliding the bars about a bit on the training regime page for ten minutes, checking Facebook and going back to bed. Wise is expected to win the Premier League by the end of the week.
There was good news for another ex-Newcastle United star yesterday when Titus Bramble completed his protracted £61million transfer to Barcelona, also on football Manager 2008.
– By our War Correspondent, FENTON SOUPSPOON
Fears that global peace could be compromised grew last night after it was revealed that ALAN TITMARSH has been taking steps to further enrich his stocks of uranium.
Despite international opposition, reports have emerged that Titmarsh has been amassing the ingredients to build weapons of mass destruction in his garden at Foggy Bottom. There were calls for him to abandon his project after Titmarsh launched an unprecedented attack on his former Ground Force labourer Tommy Walsh.
In an angry speech, Titmarsh told viewers of his early afternoon ITV chatshow: “The devil-dog Tommy Walsh must die. I will not rest until I have wiped the devil-dog Tommy Walsh off the face of the earth.
“The rivers of Basildon will run red with the blood of the devil-dog Tommy Walsh. So shall perish all the enemies of Alan Tichmarch who are no more than a poisonous nest of wasps,”” he added. The inflammatory outburst was accompanied by blurry video footage apparently showing a missile being launched from behind a greenhouse on Titmarsh’s allotment.
This latest development in the long running saga of the lightweight presenter’s development of an atomic warhead has sparked alarm amongst the anti-nuclear lobby. “If Titmarsh has developed the ballistic capability to deliver an atomic warhead, the consequences do not bear thinking about,” said CND president Beardsley Weirdsworth. “It’s not just sabre rattling any more. This time, he means business,” he added.
Meanwhile, a team of UN weapons inspectors lead by Dr. Hans Blix failed to gain access to Titmarsh’s potting shed. Dr. Blix, whose glasses arms don’t reach his ears, told reporters: “Unfortunately, the shed was locked and Mr. Titmarsh told us that he had left the key in his other trousers.
“Our inspection was further impeded by sheets of newspaper which had been sellotaped to the inside of the windows. But we will return at a later date,” Blix continued.
However,fears were growing that the situation could escalate out of hand after spy planes spotted what appeared to be a 200-foot stainless steel gun barrel being delivered to Tommy Walsh’s Basildon workshop.